Its almost a tragedy everytime I leave the country. I cannot imagine the intricacies involved when the time for me to leave the country arrives. I am amazed and very rightly surprised how my mind works and how my emotions fluctuate erratically flickering between two basic emotions. I am sad as I write this and as I write I move farther away from home. As I look into the inflight communicator, I currently find myself above the Black Sea, thousands of miles away from home. It all started from my sister’s wedding, ‘the great Indian wedding’, they say. And indeed it was. Grandeur and majestic.
I already miss my family, and this is a sacrifice and nothing else, to achieve something that you are not guaranteed, in 3 years. Peer pressure, societal pressure, and the pressure to show people that I can succeed, all these are the reasons behind why I am doing this PhD. I won’t deny that there are personal ambitions stuck somewhere between all this, but that is not enough to explain why I am sitting on this plane travelling thousands of miles away from the place I know so well. The wedding is over, and with it all the emotions, the euphoria, the majestic happiness, the movie-like dances, the drama! Sigh, it pains to look at the pictures where I stand beside my sister in the beautiful wedding attire. The great Indian wedding it was and nobody denied that. Nobody. Life is going to change for everyone after this wedding. My sister won’t be available anymore like she was, that’s married life for you. My mother and father will feel the emptiness in the house.
What is the role of me sitting here in this plane and writing this? Why do I have to do this PhD? Does all this make sense? Where is the higher truth? Why do I have to leave my hometown, and the happiness with it? I am a foreigner in Zurich, a foreigner trying to blend in, but while doing so I can only guess that I am becoming more of an outcast. I cannot blend in; all I do is creep into my own wormhole, my own comfort zone. My comfort zone was back where I was not alone, where I was too happy or too busy to even let millions of thoughts cross my mind. It was back in my hometown, not where I right now sit. But that is life and perhaps ‘you learn from it’, this is what everyone would say. I will just sit down and let time pass by and watch this drama like an adult comedy theatrical. Time has never stopped since the big bang, if only it was otherwise! Sigh!
Coldplay music makes this blog even more sad. And I did not even want it to sound like that, perhaps it was the effect of their songs. I think I will stop, or this will just go on. Long story short : I am very sad as I travel back to Zurich, the place where I am doing my PhD. It will never be like home. Perhaps, all these fleeting thoughts are added to by the fact that she is coming to Switzerland only to never meet me again, ‘never’. Never. Maybe it’s the multiplicative effect of all her fleeting memories crossing my mind and the fact that I am leaving home without getting the time to say goodbye!
Goodbye then!
life 